First things first, if you've never heard "Siente El Boom" by Tito El Bambino, download it now and listen to it while you read this post. It is officially the title track to my vacay.
Now, I WENT TO PUERTO RICO!! San Juan to be exact. Of course it was amazing! The papis, the daiquiris, la musica, it was all great. Though they are technically a part of the US of A, it's so different there and I learned A LOT. Here's the Cliff Notes version:
Things I Learned In Puerto Rico:
5: Manicured 'Brows are for Males ONLY:
Y'all, would you believe EVERY guy we met had dainty, arched, waxed brows! It was very weird considering the women probably wished that they were as well-groomed.
4: If You See A Street Sign, Please Ignore:
We rented a car (holla at that Hyundai Brio!) to get around the island and the very first thing that we noticed was the dual lack of street signs and virtual impotency of the signs that were out. To say that folks drive crazy down there is the understatement of the year. We saw people treating red lights like stop signs, backing their cars up for blocks and blocks and NO ONE had two working headlights. Once one of us pointed it out, we all started to notice it. Now everytime we see a car with one headlight we say, "Wink, Wink!"
3: Toned Bodies Are For Suckas:
Close your eyes and picture an island. Palm trees, warm breezes, women with flat stomachs. Well, San Juan has 2 out of 3. No matter how much jelly you have, or what various marks or imperfections reside on your belly and thighs, please have that stuff out. Do not attempt to wear a swimsuit cover up and do not even think about getting all that into a one piece. Buy your bikini and your 2-sizes-too-small booty shorts, NOW you're ready to frolic the beach.
2: Forget DisneyWorld, San Juan is the new Family Vacation Spot:
We saw children everywhere: at the beach where teenagers were openly smoking ganja and whipping up lethal, alcoholic concoctions; at the Bacardi Rum factory where everyone (children included) received two free drinks; at the club, where we saw a 2-year-old in a stroller entering the club around 3am, wide-awake and ready to get his drink on. We fulfilled the dumb tourist quota for the day, since none of the locals batted an eyelash. I'm sure the babies theme song was "Trap all day, Play all night, This is the life of a Go-Getta!"
1: Barcardi Makes The World Go 'Round:
For those of you not privy, Barcardi is the world's premiere rum and originated two of the most famous drinks: the mojito and the pina colada. Founded in Cuba during the mid-19th century, the factory in the suburbs of San Juan, Puerto Rico offers daily tours of the museum and factory. Of course, everyone gets their "Vitamin B," two tickets to drink bevys laced with Bacardi. My recommendations: Bacardi O with Cranberry and Orange Juices and the classic Mojito.
In addition to the factory, Rum seemed to be part of the national culture of the island. We nicknamed the island El Terre Del Ron, The Land of Rum.